Sometimes I feel like a complete failure in life. I have to take a step back and ask myself questions that I just don't like to ask. Sometimes I have conversations with myself (in my brain, not out loud). My brain is a scary place. Sometimes I try to be still...not an easy task for me. The other night I was so restless, so I tried to lay in bed and just breathe and try to clear my mind - it didn't work. Here are some of the questions I find myself asking myself...
- Am I a good wife to Mark? Do I think about his feelings and his needs and try to meet them? Am I being a good example of a what a wife should be like for my children? Are we being a good example of a marriage to our children?
- Am I a good mom to Morgan, Haleigh, and Jacob? Do I yell at them too much, do I spend enough time with them? Do I really know them like I should?
- Am I a good disciple of Christ? Do I spend enough time in prayer and study? Do I live my life selflessly life Christ did - putting God's will above my own?
- Am I a good friend? Do I listen more than I talk when I am trying to help a friend? (NO). Do I give good advice that is biblical and useful?
- Am I going to be a good teacher? Am I ready for a full time job? Am I ready to deal with sixth graders, or should I have kept looking for something in elementary?
- Am I making the right choices for my family? Am I raising them right? Am I making good choices for their future? Are my children going to be productive members of society when they leave my house?
There are so many questions in my brain. I feel like the questions are just floating around in there waiting to be answered. Why can't I make them right? My pride, my stubbornness, my own desires. My prayer today is that I will choose my actions so that I can be the best wife, the best mom, the best friend, the best teacher, the best christian, and the best leader that I can be. Notice that I didn't say the best in the world - just the best I can be and give. I am sick and tired of wanting to be those things and not taking the action to become those things. So...I will pray for the desire and the ability to become those things. Maybe (soon) my brain can be at rest.
2 comments:
The fact that you are asking the questions of yourself speaks volumes. The fact that you may not always do what you wish you would means your human.
I share many of your questions and concerns in my life. Fortunately, we have a relationship with the Almighty who listens to our hearts and will give us the strength to be better when we will lean on Him.
Thank you for sharing this today.
I think what you shared is something any parent and spouse who truly takes that role seriously is concerned about. There are so many instances when I wish I could go back and redo my words and actions and attitude. I can't, but I can pray God will help me do better today to not warp my sweet family. Thanks so much for sharing all that.
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